SANTA CLAUS’ NEW 747-400 FREIGHTER IS COMING TO TOWN

The sound of sleigh bells will be replaced by jet engines this year as Santa Claus officially puts his new 747 freighter into service.

The 747-400ERF registered HO-HOHO will enter service with Claus’ cargo delivery airline JingleJet for its maiden Christmas delivery run on 24 December, having undergone refitting and repainting after its purchase from Bunnyhop Airways, where it had delivered eggs every Easter.

“The new 747 freighter will offer us significantly more present storage space than Santa’s sleigh,” said JingleJet head of communications, Hollie Jolley.

“While the sacks used in Santa’s sleigh were of course infinite in volume, the cargo hold of the 747 will allow us to transport several hundred times the infinite sacks than the limited number the sleigh could carry, thus allowing us to maximise the number of infinite numbers of presents and/or lumps of coal we could theoretically deliver.

“It’s a massive job, flying all over the world to visit the home of every single child on one night, and we expect this new plane will help Santa do it far more efficiently than he ever could before.”

In a world-first, HO-HOHO will be powered entirely on sustainable aviation fuel (SAF) derived from a blend of Christmas magic; the wishes of good little children all across the Earth; and ethanol from waste candy canes and reindeer feed.

“We know that children love leaving out plates of milk and cookies, as well as treats for the reindeer,” said Jolley.

“We want to assure all of JingleJet’s customers that they can still leave out carrots and other vegetables for Rudolph and his friends, and they will be processed into more SAF to power Santa’s future low-emissions flights.

“We also thank those households who leave brandy or peppermint schnapps instead of milk, as they are much easier to convert into ethanol-based fuel.”

The new freighter has not been without its controversy, however, with numerous reindeer staff claiming it puts their employment at risk.

Blitzen, transport secretary for the Santa’s Workshop Union (SWU), called the purchase a “Grinchy ploy to automate away good, stable sleigh-pulling jobs”.

“After so many years of reliable service, the fact that nine hard-working reindeer are facing unemployment over the Christmas season is inexcusable,” he said.

“We will not stand for these Scrooge-like tactics being employed by Santa and his management. We will continue to fight for our experienced sleigh team from the top of the porch to the top of the wall, and are prepared to jingle all the way to industrial action if necessary.

“The SWU will not dash away, dash away, dash away from our responsibilities to our members – rest assured that there will be no silent nights for Santa until he comes to the table with secure jobs for all his reindeer, and preferably also some figgy pudding.”

Claus was unavailable for comment.